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 ...Not Being Happy with My Progress Today

Here I am, looking at the remains of several big projects I sort of wandered into but probably won't finish in the course of the next year. And it has occurred to me that my goal of doing today's 500 Words is still on the table as well. Seems simple enough to just pick something from one of the projects and advance it by 500 words, right? Wrong! Let me explain...

One project is in a long slog mode. I know that anything I do now will just be spinning my wheels, so I have no desire for it today. Another project is one that has a specific steady goal for its next step, but I am on step 5 of like 200 for this phase, and when that phase is completed, I then get the task of trying to measure something that was built to be unmeasurable. Once that is done, the update needs to be tested on all my previous data points to weed out bugs. The last time I did this kind of project, it took a year and a half for the first part, and never got through the second part. Yet here I am trying the same kind of project on new data. Not a pleasant thought for me to tackle today.

I also have to contend with concerns outside sitting at a computer and writing. This is making me want to not do much of anything if I can help it. But doing nothing would be a disappointment, and today I don't want to be a total loss. That's why today's 500 Words is what it is.

It could be worse. I could be unable to convey any thoughts at all. That would be bad, as at least some of them need to be expressed. The jury is still out, however, over which ones qualify.

And then of course there is the time factor. I would like for projects to be "one and done", but as I mentioned above, mine don't tend to work out that way. I don't have the mentality to feel content in doing a small project and being happy about it. I also get frustrated at projects that beget other projects. This leads me to believe I am some sort of mental masochist, feeling frustrated for not starting some things, upset over things I do start but lead down rabbit holes, and then annoyed at the lack of anything actually finishing. 

But what is the alternative? A big brain needs a big canvas to paint on, but to make sense of it, it needs to be divided into its component parts and reassembled. This is part of why I am working on this: even when I can't figure out what my grand design is, I can post a part here and a part there and maybe someone else can figure it out.

So for now, I will just keep on keeping on, doing what I do until something comes along to crystallize the thoughts I have into a coherent goal. And when I do, watch out!


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